- Mr. Barberini. - Concettina!
- Maria! - Eduardo.
Gino.
- Maria. Gino. - Giorgio, Rosetta, come state?
Bene, bene. How come your Angelo never called back my Teresa?
He didn't have fun when they went out?
Of course he had fun. He just didn't have time to call her. My apologies.
No, no, no, it's only because Teresa, she worry he wasn't feeling well.
She said he looked pale.
- Angelo? He's fine. - Never been better.
I am so fucked.
- This is Gay Line. How can I help? - I am so fucked.
- How so? - Where do I start?
- Hello? - Start with the beginning.
The beginning?
Yes.
When did it all start?
The day I invited my parents to come see my new apartment, I guess.
No, Ma, don't touch anything till the cops get here!
- Want them to think you live like a pig? - Why did this have to happen to us?
No, that's not right. In reality, it all started...
... when my parents left Italy to come to America and settled in Canada.
Destination, Montreal. And my father has yet to get over it.
Nobody told us there was two America:
The real one, United State, and the fake one, Canada.
Then, to make matter even worse, there's two Canada:
The real one, Ontario, and the fake one, Quebec.
My parents tried desperately to start a family...
... but after many unsuccessful attempts...
... they pretty much gave up on the idea.
Get off of me.
Then, after what my mother refers to as...
What your father did to me while I was sleeping.
... my sister Anna was born. Followed by me, Angelo Barberini.
I grew up in a quiet, peaceful neighborhood. But from the inside...
- No, you can't play in the park. - You'll get kidnapped.
- No, you can't go swimming. - You'll drown.
No, you can't go eat at the Bouchards' house.
- They're not Italian. - Their food will kill you.
Then there was my Aunt Yolanda. Always trying to inject life...
... into an otherwise death-at-your-doorstep existence.
Hey, Yo. Can you shut it, that music?
What she has to be happy about, I don't know.
My sister Anna had her own special way of calming herself.
A tasty little treat called Icesuckle.
To this day she denies that she has an addictive personality.
My best friend Nino was always up to something.
Nino and I were inseparable.
I enjoyed school. I looked forward to going every day, until:
St. Pius X Comprehensive High School.
Fifteen hundred students, 99.9% Italian...
... all looking for someone to pick on.
And when I got there, their quest was over.
I could take the humiliation of being human graffiti...
... but when Nino started being ashamed to be seen with me...
He'd talk to me only on Saturday. On weekends it was like old times.
Eventually, Nino stopped coming over even on Saturdays.
I guess word got around that he was hanging out with me.
That's when my Aunt Yolanda became my best friend.
She was something, my aunt.
She wanted to become an actress, a movie star.
But the famiglia had other plans for her:
And shortly after they married her off...
Don't cry, figlio mio. Yolanda is in heaven now.
After she died, the only thing that brought me joy was television.
I'd tape my favorite shows, watch them...
... and write down every word of the script.
A couple of hours a day I would forget that I was nothing but a piece of shit.
Unlike me, my sister was quite popular in high school.
Who knew all those Icesuckles would pay off one day.
I made it through high school and decided it was time...
... I tell the world a secret that was buried inside me.
I'm gonna be a television writer.
My mother still refers to this as:
The day you took 10 years off my life.
So I went to university to study law.
But I quit after three months of mind-numbing boredom...
... and found a job in the glamorous world of corporate travel.
A perfect occupation for a go-getter thirsting to be abused...
... by rich business people and/or their assistants...
... and/or their assistant's assistants.
I am so sorry, sir. I take full responsibility.
When you said "Paris," it was stupid to assume you were going to France.
Of course, I should have guessed that you had a branch office in Ontario.
Oh, everyone spoke French? Oh, that must've been horrible.
Yes, sir, it's completely my fault.
Though I am surprised that the layover in Brussels didn't tip you off.
Common mistake, sir.
Brussels is considered by many to be the Minneapolis of Europe.
I hate my job.
Thank God for my exciting social life.
- Ma, it's my first glass. - It's your second.
If your mother say it's your second, it's your second.
Like your side of the family. Always with a glass in her hand.
Your Uncle Dominic died because of his heavy drinking.
For you information, my brother Dominic die of lung cancer.
It was your Aunt Yolanda who drowned in a barrel of whiskey.
If we're gonna have a argument about who died...
...I'm leaving the table. - Nobody leave until you finish supper.
Yeah? What happens if I leave the table?
That's what happen.
There is nothing like a relaxing evening at home.
I should know. I didn't move out until I was 27.
- Seriously? - Seriously.
I have this neighbor, Massimo.
Sixty-nine years old, never married and still living at home.
It's a cultural thing. Italians leave the house...
... either two ways: Married or dead.
And knowing for sure that I would never get married...
... I knew I had to do something drastic.
Why?!
Why?! Why?!
Just go. And don't look back.
Leaving was easy. Bringing them to my new apartment was the hard part.
This building gotta be a hundred year old.
- That's part of its charm. - What's charming about it being old?
- We're old. - We're not charming.
No, Ma, don't touch anything till the cops get here.
- Want them to think you live like a pig? - Why did this have to happen to us?
Me, Pa, it happened to me. I'm the one who got robbed.
No rob! This is act of terrorism against Italian people.
- I want you to move back home. - No, Ma, I am not moving back home!
Come in at your own risk.
Oh, officer, thank God you're here.
Tell my son that this is not a safe neighborhood.
- These things happen all over the city. - Paventi.
- Nino? - That's right. How are you?
Nino! Gino, this is Nino.
Lina's son!
- Nino! Angelo, you remember? - Actually, that's why I took the call.
I wanted to see what my old bud was up to.
Being attacked by thugs.
Not much has changed since we last saw each other.
And then it was like old times.
- You're not enjoying this, are you? - You kidding? I am so enjoying this.
- We could always go back. - And get out of this wonderful...
...woody wilderness? No, I am loving this. Really.
- What's that? - A Grand Horned Canadian Owl.
Cool.
And that is the cry of a frog.
No, that is the sound of a northern Quebec bullfrog.
That is a cell phone.
No, that is the cry of an Italian mother who's worried about her son.
I should've recognized that cry.
- Nino. - Hi, Mom.
- Bello, why did you take so long to...? - Everything's fine, Ma.
And Marco, how is he?
Marco's doing good.
Marco, my mom says "Hi."
Hello, Nino's mother.
Marco says "Hi" back.
My mom wants to know if your mom is still having problems with digestion.
No, there is no one in North America who digests better than my mother.
- She' s fine, Ma. - She can digest anything.
- Getting it out is the problem. - Are you in a bear-free zone?
- Have a good night, Ma. - How can I have a good night...?
Marco?
He's the guy I work with. You know, I just...
Don't be embarrassed. I'm presently at a convention in Seattle.
Good one.
- Just like old times, huh? - Yup. Spending Saturday together.
- You gonna ignore me on Monday? - I'm so sorry about that.
- Hey, I was just joking. - No, listen...
...I wanna say something about that. Dropping you the way I did...
- Forget about it. - It was shitty of me. I apologize.
- Apology accepted. - That quick?
What can I say? I'm easy.
Oh, boy, did we reunite that night.
So you get there a couple hours later, does it really matter?
It matters that much, huh?
Shit.
There. Now all that's left for you to do is tell your mother you're moving in.
Do I have to?
Come on, Mama. I'll come see you every day, I promise. I'Il...
It's a miracle Lina didn't have a stroke.
What is wrong with living here until you get married?
Both your father and me did it, and we're not dead.
- We still here. - Yeah. After we got married...
...we had our mothers with us.
And your crazy Aunt Yolanda until she got married!
My sister Yolanda was not crazy!
Let me ask you a question, okay?
How come you prefer to live with Nino...
...instead of with me and your mama and your sister. Why?!
Let me ask you a question. Why is Nino a better roommate than us?
- Because. - Because why?
Because Nino's my lover.
- lf only I could say that out loud. - You didn't?
- No. Every time I try to, I freeze. - Why is that?
Because being gay and Italian is a fate worse than...
Actually, there is no fate worse than being gay and Italian.
To top things off, my mother keeps on setting me up with nice Italian girls.
And like an idiot, I go out with them.
And then I feel like a louse for not calling them back.
All this lying. It's sapping my energy.
Nino and I made a deal. No one can know about the two of us except us.
Only, my poor sister Anna knows. She found out by accident.
That is so like her.
- You okay? - I will be once the Valium kicks in.
- It's not what you think. - Who's thinking? I'm not.
- I am so sorry. - Why sorry? I'm thrilled.
You two are a couple.
I reacted the way I did because I saw my brother naked. I gotta go.
- Hey, you just got here. - Did I?
Time flies when you're mortified.
- You make a beautiful couple. - Did you hear that?
- Mortified. - She'll get over it.
Yeah, but will I?
Understand that Nino has an image he has to uphold.
- Macho cop? - No, respected cop.
All right, just relax, sir, and everything's gonna be fine.
- Everything will be all right. - I think this bastard...
...needs a lesson in etiquette.
- Your mother's a whore. - Hey. Cool it, Marco.
- No one calls my mother a whore. - Your father calls her that.
- But he's family. - Nino is by far the best thing...
...that ever happened to me. Not only is he loving, he is supportive.
He's the first one who didn't laugh when I said I wanted to write for TV.
When you said "mile-high club," I thought you meant a sandwich.
- Sure you did. - My husband's on the plane.
Don't worry about your husband. He's in the bathroom with my copilot.
- Then who's flying the plane? - Who cares?
Wow.
- Wow? - Oh, yeah. This is fucking brilliant.
- Really? - Yeah.
The characters, the story, it's all there.
- You're not just saying that because... - No, Angelo, it's amazing.
- I am so proud of you. - Nino is by far my biggest fan.
My only fan.
- What's that for? - To celebrate.
Celebrate what? That everyone in the free world rejected my work?
To celebrate that you finished a script...
...and had the balls to send it off to these idiots.
Face it, Nino, I'm no good.
Even the receptionist advised me to give up writing.
Just wait till they read your next script.
How can I risk losing that?
But I'm sick and tired of pretending.
So, what are you saying?
I feel that with every day that goes by I lose bits and pieces of myself.
And I'm afraid that if this goes on I'll lose myself altogether.
So...
So?
It's all become crystal clear. I know what I have to do now.
No more nice Italian girls for me.
Thank you, whoever you are...
...and have a good day. Okay.
Goodnight. Bye. Sorry. See you.
Did you ever wonder what it would be like to come out of the closet?
No, it's nice and comfy in here, Angelo.
Didn't you ever feel like telling anyone?
Your sister Anna knows, and that's more than enough, thank you.
- Don't tell me you wanna come out. - No way.
Although I think my parents might suspect.
What's to suspect?
We each have our own bedrooms...
...you date nice Italian girls on a regular basis...
...and we're macho studs, huh?
Fuck yeah.
- Did you bring the Valium? - Yeah. What's the big crisis?
Our parents. Ever since Pa retired...
...they're at each other's throats. Me, I can't take it.
- Move out. - Move out? Easy for you to say. I can't.
They need me now that you abandoned them.
- You are so fucked up. - Tell me something I don't know.
- Besides, so are you. - I am not.
No? How's Nino, your roommate?
That's not fucked up. That's in the closet.
Oh, yeah? Well, being in the closet is being fucked up.
It'll do you good.
- Anna? - What?
How would our parents react if I tell them I'm...?
- A what? A fag? - Hey.
Are you retarded? No way you're gonna tell.
- But... - No, I live with our parents.
I'm the one who's gonna have to deal with their melodramatics 24l7.
Besides, Ma hasn't recovered from Aunt Yolanda's death.
- She died 20 years ago. - Yeah.
- So you think this is gonna kill them? - Yeah, this is gonna kill them.
Tell them.
I want you to go see the doctor.
How come I never have good luck in my life?
You had luck. You never took advantage of it.
Don't start with me, okay, Maria?
My son told me he's omosessuale. I gotta start with somebody, Gino.
Everything will be okay.
From this day on, nothing will be okay.
- Go to your room. - You turned my room into a den.
- I told you to leave that room alone. - It's all you fault.
My fault?
I wanted him to join the hockey team.
- He don't like sports. - Hockey would make him normal.
Oh, why I had to live to hear this, I don't know.
You see what you do? You know the best thing you could do?
Leave the house and go to the Village.
I don't live in the Village.
- What village? - The homosexual Village.
There's an omosessuale village?
On Sainte-Catherine Street between Beaudry and Papineau.
How come you know so much about this village?
- I know a lot more than you think. - Yes, but a omosessuale village?
What? You gonna call me homosexual now?
He's gotta get it from somebody!
Hey, guys. Look, this is not the end of the world.
- Nino and I, we love each other. - I don't wanna hear it, okay?
- But Pa... - No, you listen to me.
That's what happen when you move out.
You fall in with the wrong crowd and they brainwash you.
- Nobody brainwashed me! - Yes, they did.
Because no son of mine is a homosexual.
Now, the best thing you can do, please leave the house and leave.
- Who else you gonna tell? - No one.
- These things spread. - It's not gonna spread.
What? You think my parents want everyone to know their son is a fag?
- Did your mother tell my mother? - No, and she's not gonna.
Look, my folks, they took it relatively well.
- Sure. - Yeah.
Just don't eat anything my mother offers you.
- They threatened to kill me? - No, but they are Italian.
- Stop shitting on Italians. - I don't shit on Italians.
- You're the classic self-hating Italian. - I am not.
Italians have greatly contributed to civilization.
We've given the world Michelangelo, Fellini, the pizza.
- Mussolini, the Mafia, garlic breath? - Self-hating Italian.
- Maria, Gino, come state? - Benissimo. Great.
- How is Angelo? - What kind of question is that?
Hey.
When I walk down the street, everyone knows.
- Why couldn't I keep my mouth shut? - I don't know if I can forgive him.
- Seeing Nino so miserable kills me. - A new gay world is your oyster.
You even have a village. Do I have a village? No.
What am I gonna do with a village? I have nothing in common with gays.
When no one knew, it didn't seem real. Now it's official. I'm gay.
- Hey. - Gino, my heart stops...
...every time I see you. How are you?
Maria, what's the matter? Are you not sleeping?
- What can I get for you? - My husband's been dead 18 years...
...what I need you can't offer because you're married.
We make a special arrangement. What do you say? We help a friend.
- You're better off with your memories. - Hey.
So, what's wrong? What's the urgent matter you had to see me about?
What about our sons, huh?
- My son is a what? - A homo.
- And he turned our Angelo into one. - Don't blame her son.
- Who's to say it's not our son? - I'm to say it's not.
Are you saying that my Nino is banging your Angelo?
- I'm saying it's the other way around. - What does it matter?
Excuse me, sir, but if anybody...
...is not getting banged around here, it's my Nino.
And what make you think it's Nino doing the banging?
Because Nino is a banger.
- And Angelo is not? - No.
Mrs. Paventi, I have to ask you to leave the house!
Gladly.
Wait. We haven't discussed anything of importance here.
What's to discuss? You invite me over here to tell me a sick lie...
...so finita la discussione.
- Oh, hi, Mrs. Paventi, how are you...? - Fuck off!
My mom just told your mom. Head for the hills.
- Going somewhere? - How'd you get in here?
The door was locked, the alarm system was on...
Nino, I'm Sicilian.
- So you talked to...? - Si.
- Then you know... - I know. I know everything.
- You're not angry? - How can I be angry with you?
You're the only kid I got. I love you.
I forgive everything.
- You do? - It's your life.
If you want to flush it down the toilet, who am I to stop you?
- Mama... - lf you don't care about growing old...
...without a wife, without children to look after you, what can I do?
Mama...
...I'm so sorry.
There's nothing to be sorry about...
...but if you want, we can just forget this ever happened.
We can pack your bags and get the hell out of here.
Nino, I made a big batch of cannelloni.
How about it? Come back home, bello.
I am home, Mama. Angelo and...
I'm gonna go now.
You want some cannelloni, you come with me.
You want some disgusting, mortal sin activity, you stay here.
Well, if it isn't the wife.
- How are you, Signora Paventi? - Oh, Nino...
...Iook at this beautiful face. Nice.
Now think of his big, fat mother...
...because that's the face you're going to end up with.
Oh, don't worry, Nino, she'll come around.
Hey, you'll never guess what I did today.
I went to the Gay Village.
I just went to see what it was like, and I hated it. I hated it.
But... Here, look what I found.
There's a gay cop association in Montreal. Isn't that great?
- I don't want to be a gay anything. - Are you kidding?
I would be a cop just to be part of this association.
I know you mean well, but please stop trying to help.
Okay.
It's been a rough day. I'm going to bed.
Hey.
My life basically consists of a series of horror movies strung together.
And since my brother came out everything is more horrific.
- And why is that? - Because we're Italian.
And can you believe that...
- What? ...I'm the sane one in the family?
I'm afraid our time is up.
Let's discuss this some more next week.
There's not gonna be a next week.
- Why not? - I never see a psychiatrist twice.
- Never, bella? - No, never.
What? You know too much about me. It's embarrassing.
- I did go to Pius X high school. Yes. - Dino.
- Nino. - Mastronomo.
- Paventi. - Of course, Nino Paventi. I'm stupid.
You were homecoming king with my friend Gina Della Rovere.
Gina. My God, it's been years. How is Gina?
Married.
Two kids.
- What's wrong? - Me, I thought I would be married too.
I'm sorry, I didn't get your name.
Pina. Pina Lunetti.
It's nice to meet you, Pina.
Oh, shit.
Lunetti.
What to do you mean, Moretti didn't show up?
Listen, the contract says today, and I want them today...
...so if Moretti doesn't show up with his doors, it's his ass along with yours.
Good. Shit.
Come, I was about to leave too.
When my father had his heart attack he was forced to retire, so I took over.
- You run this company by yourself? - Yep.
- You, you're not married? - Me? No, no.
How come? All the girls said...
...you'd be the first to marry because you're a hunk.
- Thanks. - So...
...what do you do? - I'm a cop.
So...
...aren't you gonna invite me over?
We could talk some more.
I'm gonna have to pass.
Look...
...my numbers are on the card. Call me sometime, okay?
Okay.
Anna.
Anna! Get some camomilla for your father.
Okay.
Again with your stomach?
I feel like somebody lit a match and then put it up in here.
Oh, I don't know how much more I can take, Mari.
- You just need to keep calm. - Calm? How can I keep calm?
My life is one big disappointment after another.
That's all you know how to do, feel sorry about how your life turned out.
You think I'm having such a great time here?
Mari.
Angelo, we still love him?
Of course we still love him.
He's still our beautiful Angelo.
If Angelo is still our beautiful Angelo...
...will you tell me...
...why is so hard to pick up the phone and call him up?
I don't know, Gi.
Mari...
I don't know, Gi. I just don't know.
Why, Ruta Lee, I do declare.
I have never seen you looking so peaked in your entire life.
Your engagement to Brent isn't agreeing with you at all, is it?
Jolene, I don't know what you're babbling. Brent and I are crazy in love.
Then why am I carrying his child?
Why, that is the sickest lie I ever did hear.
Now, I think you owe me an apology!
I know my mom and your mom go back a long way, but your script...
...what can I say? Worst piece of shit I ever read in my life.
And believe me, I know shit. I produce plenty of it.
The Civil War? What the fuck do you know about that?
Were you a fucking slave in a previous life?
Or perhaps you were Abraham-fucking-Lincoln?
Or maybe you were a Southern belle...
...with the big hoop skirt and weird accent!
If I was you, I'd quit while I was ahead and forget about writing altogether.
So how's your ma?
- Good. - Good.
Lina.
- Your husband's looking good. - Thanks.
- So have you spoken to...? - No. You?
Me neither.
Listen, Maria, what the kids are going through, it's just a phase!
I hear a lot of guys go through that when they're teenagers.
- Lina, they're grown men. - They're late, that's all.
I'm thinking we should have a dinner party at your place.
You provide the food, I'll bring this nice Italian girl I know.
- What for? - For Angelo!
- Anna, is she seeing anyone? - No.
Good. She's perfect for Nino.
Well, if he could fall for the brother, he could fall for the sister, no?
- No offense, but this sounds crazy. - No offense taken.
Is a week from Saturday good for you?
- Yes. - Good. A week from Saturday it is.
Oh, I'm so happy we're friends again!
I've been meaning to tell you something.
- What? - Your friend, the guy you live with?
- Angelo? - Yeah, him.
You know me, I don't listen to gossip, but my girlfriend's sister...
...has a cousin who works with him, and let me tell you, everyone's talking.
- About what? - About...
Don't get me wrong, I don't have anything against those people.
- Travel agents? - No, you know.
Fags.
Angelo isn't a fag.
Even if he was, I don't see how it concerns you.
I'll tell you how it concerns me.
You live with the guy and you spend the rest of your time with me.
If they start talking queer about you, me?
I'm changing partners.
- Hey. - Hey.
- I didn't think you were gonna call me. - Why not?
Because of the stupid way I acted last time, bawling my eyes out like an idiot.
I don't think you acted stupid.
Hey. How did your meeting with Christofaro go?
Don't ask.
That good?
It's funny, you know?
No matter how much I blame my parents for my neuroses...
...all my happiest memories are with them.
Family vacations...
...weddings, Sunday get-togethers...
What chaos!
What beautiful, serene chaos.
I think the problem with us Italians is that...
...when we leave our world to go into the real world...
...there's nothing serene about the chaos we encounter.
When people scream at you...
...they're really screaming at you!
Why you so sad?
Because...
...the other night there was a little reunion supper at my house.
There was plenty of chaos.
For the first time, there was nothing serene about it.
So, Nino, do you think the Canadiens have a chance this year?
I have no idea, really.
- He's not interested in hockey. - Oh, I'm very interested.
- Oh, really? - Yes.
Nino played right through university. He was always the star player.
So I guess hockey is not the answer, Gino?
So are we gonna have the big discussion before or after supper?
- Discuss? What's to discuss? - We'll have a pleasant evening.
Oh, yes. A pleasant evening. If we don't talk about it, it doesn't exist.
- Angelo. - I'll get it!
- What's the matter with you? - Nothing.
- How's it going? - Good, good.
- Gino. - Lina.
Buona sera, everybody, buona...
Anna! Sempre cosi bella.
Always so gorgeous.
Look at you.
Look at her, Nino, so young, so beautiful!
Angelo.
Well. What a handsome young man you turned out to be.
Are you sure he's not adopted?
So, Nino, why you don't call?
How come you never call your povera old mama?
- Because I'm scared. - Oh, you joker.
- Where's your friend? - She's parking the car.
Everybody, I hope you don't mind I brought a friend along.
All by herself on a Saturday night.
Come on in, doll.
- Buona sera. - Buona sera.
- Everyone, this is... - Nino?
- Pina. - You two know each other?
Yeah, Nino and me...
- We went to the same high school. - Same high school.
- That's not too far from here. - Good old Pius X.
- You went to Pius too? - Unfortunately.
Thank you.
What...? Then I should know you. Don't tell me.
Angelo. Angelo Barberini.
The fag?
My past has come back to haunt me.
Who knew it had such big hair.
This is the nice man you wanted me to meet? The fag?
- Meet? - Pina, honey, I didn't know.
- All of Pius knew. - What's going on here?
- Yeah, what is going on? - We'll have a pleasant evening.
- I'm going home. - No, you stay here.
The roast is almost ready.
- Come on, Nino, let's go. - Hold on. Go where?
- None of your business. - Nino is my business.
What does he mean by that?
- The roast is ready. - Come on, mangiamo. Let's go.
Nino, tell her what I mean by that.
- We'll discuss this some other time. - Why? What happened in the car...
...that was all pretend? - Pina.
- What happened in the car? - What car?
- His car. - Our car?
- Your car? - Your car, his car, who cares?
- What did you do in the damn car? - We made love!
Yes!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
- You're a fucking liar! - Oh, yeah?
Tell him, Nino.
Nino?
You brought this on yourself.
- What? - Yeah. You and your coming out!
- Coming out from where? - A phase.
Again with this "phase." Your son is gay.
Angelo!
I don't want this anymore.
Okay? You're just gonna have to deal with that.
- Don't you want me? Us? What? - Oh, God, I think I'm gonna be sick.
Let's just go home, okay?
Nino, let's just go... Come on, let's just go home, it'll be fine!
Back off!
I don't want this.
What is going on here?
- My God! What is going on here? - Leave him be, Angelo.
This is not some kid who doesn't wanna play with me anymore.
- This is my love... - Basta!
I don't want this anymore, Angelo. Understood?
Were you in on this?
Were you all in on this?
You're welcome to move back with us anytime.
You could come even tonight, if you wanted.
What a comfort.
No, I've done my time. So you can forget about it.
- Time? - What time?
I spent almost 30 years in this prison.
This prison of guilt and fear and lies and I'm not about to come back.
- Angelo, I think that's enough. - That's right.
Pa is rubbing his stomach.
I wouldn't wanna trigger one of his psychosomatic attacks.
You think this...
I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy.
Are you paying close attention, Nino? Are you?
Because this is gonna be your life in 20 years.
- Enough, Angelo. - What's wrong with our lives?
Where would you like me to start?
The only worthwhile thing you did was leave that spit of a village...
...of yours in Italy to come here.
But you never really left, did you?
When you came, you brought that village with you...
...and dropped it on your houses like a ton of bricks.
And then, even after coming all this way, you spent 30, 40 years...
...reminiscing about your stupid lives in that spit of a village!
Oh, that's it.
Cry, Ma.
Cry.
Because unlike Pa, I want to inflict my pain on all of you.
It's stronger than my guilt right now.
So cry.
Cry over your ingrate son, over your dead sister...
...or your stupid, worthless life.
Angelo, that's enough!
And there we have it.
The slap.
The end to the quintessential Italian melodrama.
It's been a lovely evening, but I really must go.
I hope you all enjoy your lives in your respective cocoons.
If any of you would like to get in touch with me, I'll be living in the real world.
Oh, but first, there's one thing that I must do.
God help us.
It's real.
I always wanted big hair like hers.
Nino.
Pina's on the phone.
Nino, she's called about a million times.
When are you going to talk to her?
You should see this chick, she's freaking gorgeous.
She's hot, but more than that, she's a classy broad.
Where you gonna find a classy broad?
She dresses good, knows how to handle herself in public. Smart too.
Dear Father, I've been coming here every Saturday afternoon...
...for the last 30 years. - Si, si, si.
At 2:45 p.m., after you finish the vacuuming...
...and while the tomato sauce is simmering.
But today I came here to ask for a miracle.
You see, Father, I agreed to put a stupid scheme in motion...
...and now my entire family is torn apart.
What did you do now, Maria?
I tried to set my son up with some puttana.
Pardon my language.
- Go on, my child. - And I don't know if I could ever...
...forgive my son for all the things he said to me.
But I want him to be cured.
I need this miracle, so in return I must forgive him.
- Is your son gravely ill? - No. He's gravely gay.
Dear Nino, this is the only way I can think of...
... that I might be able to reach you. So I ask you...
... read this through before closing your mind.
Before shutting me out forever.
Keeping my love for you a secret seemed like a betrayal of that love.
I was so drunk and delirious on the hope you brought me...
... I lost sight of its source and I betrayed you instead.
Now I know that I don't need anyone else to know about us.
We are enough. And even if a closet must protect our love...
... it won't contain it.
Nino. Bello!
Guess who called today?
I would do anything to make things right again.
There is no one if there isn't you, Nino.
When you left, everything stopped making sense.
I love you, Nino, and I can't bear to be without you.
Your Angelo.
Hey, it's me.
I know I should have called you before, but...
...can we meet?
So how's your writing going?
Never better.
I gave up.
- How are you, Angelo? - Good.
No, Angelo, how are you really feeling, you know?
What's the matter with you?
Nothing! What? A sister can't try to help out her brother?
Since when do we help each other out?
Okay, we're going out.
- Going out? - It makes perfect sense.
You need to meet some new people to replace the ones you lost.
- Let's go dancing. - Anna, you know I hate bars.
- Because you've never been with me. - Forget about it!
Okay. We won't go to a bar. We're gonna go to...
There's gotta be one gay place in this city filled with boring people like you!
Hi, my name is Steve and I wanna volunteer at Gay Helpline...
...because I'm from a small town...
...and there was no one for me to call when I was a teenager.
And I wanna thank Gay Helpline for giving me the opportunity...
...to be that someone that teenagers can call.
Thank you.
That's great, man.
Yeah, I'm Alicia...
...and I wanna join Gay Helpline...
...because if I could prevent just one gay teen...
...from putting a bullet through his head...
...and make him stand up and shout, "I'm gay. Gay!
And if you don't like it, you can all go fuck yourselves...
...you twisted motherfuckers!"...
...then I'll be happy.
Hi.
My name is Angelo...
...and...
...I'm Italian.
And why do I wanna volunteer here?
Good question. Let's see.
I've been going through a very hard time...
...and I've been in the closet all my life.
So I wanna meet other gay people...
...but not the ones who hang out in the bars or in the Village.
I called here once and the guy sounded really cool...
...so I thought this might be a good place to make gay friends.
So long as they're not effeminate.
Keep those away from me.
And I wanna help stop gay teen suicide.
You know, something tells me I didn't make a good first impression.
Forget about it. Just try to relax.
Now, do you prefer headsets or a regular phone?
- Well, I'm quite good with these. - Okay.
- Are you okay? - Yeah, yeah.
- It's normal to be nervous the first time. - Nervous? No, no.
This isn't nervous, this is petrified.
You'll do fine.
Remember, the callers need to feel that what they're saying...
...is not falling on deaf ears. Okay? - Okay.
We're not here to give advice or to judge.
No judging.
Then what's the point?
So do you do this often?
Every Saturday afternoon like clockwork.
You enjoy listening to people's problems?
Well, it gets me out of my head and it's a great way to relax.
Actually, I started doing it because, like you, I don't like bars...
...and I wanted to meet interesting people.
- Have you met any? - Not until today.
- You ready? - No.
Yes, you are. Go.
Hello. Gay Helpline, how may I help you?
My parents will kill me if I say I'm a fag. I can't go on this way!
- Don't tell them. - But it's killing me.
- Then tell them. - They'll kill me.
Then you've got nothing to lose, because either way you're dead, right?
Hello?
I guess humor is out of the question.
- Just listen and try and feel their pain. - Feel their pain.
Yes. If someone calls and says, "Things are really bad right now"...
...you answer, full of compassion, "Things are really bad right now, huh?"
- Okay? - Got it.
Gay Helpline, how may I help you?
I never should've taken those illegal hormones.
You never should have taken those illegal hormones, huh?
- I'm really depressed. - You're really depressed, huh?
I don't want the sex change. I'm stuck with small breasts, a low voice...
...and I can't get an erection.
You're stuck with small breasts and a low voice...
...and you can't get an erection, huh?
- I ruined my life. - No kidding!
I mean...
...you ruined your life, huh? - What's so funny?
Nothing. Nothing.
You're gonna be fine. Don't worry about the breasts.
Don't worry about the small...
...erection.
Things are fine, right?
You just gotta play around a little bit with it all. Okay?
I can't do this.
I sent three letters, no response.
But I can tell she's madly in love with me too.
You've written her three love letters...
...and she...
Look, lady, I'm really sorry, but I can't help you.
Okay? I thought I could, but I can't.
So I suggest you hang up and call back when someone...
...much more competent than me can help you.
Is this the Gay Help Center? Do I have the wrong number?
- This is Gay Helpline. - Why aren't you gay helping me?
- Because I told you, I'm no good. - You're great! I feel better already!
- No, you don't. - Yes, I do.
- You've got a calming kind of voice. - I don't have a calming anything.
So I suggest you hang up and call back later, okay?
No, I'm gonna stay on for a lot longer.
- No! I want you to hang up. - I'm not gonna.
- Hang up. - No!
- Hang up! - You first!
Fine.
Hello?
Gay Helpline?
- I guess I'm not helpline material. - Active listening is not for everyone.
Well, I've got years of non-experience.
Talking and not listening is an Italian tradition.
Let me ask you something.
Do you think you're helping those callers by going so easy on them?
- What do you mean? - Well, take me, for example.
Now, I came out of the closet knowing that my boyfriend didn't want to.
Do I need to hear, "Oh, your boyfriend left you?"
No. I need someone to tell me, "Next time, think twice before you fuck up."
Angelo, if you can't have compassion for yourself...
...how you gonna have it for others?
Right.
- I gotta go. - Hey, listen. Do you wanna...
...go for a beer or something? - What for?
To lecture you more about the benefits of compassion.
- You wanna convert me? - Maybe.
- I'm a hopeless case. - I know you are.
But I love a good challenge.
You do?
That's the best offer I've had in a long time...
...but after all that active non-listening, I'm really drained...
...so I'm gonna have to pass. - Okay.
But if you change your mind...
...you know where to find me.
- Yes, I do. - Okay.
Gino.
- Gino! - I wasn't asleep.
Must you fall asleep every time we visit my sister?
What does she care? She's dead already.
Don't be rude!
Angelo and Yolanda...
...one of a kind.
How do you mean?
She wanted to be different too.
But we were so afraid for her.
Scared if she chased her dream of being an actress...
...she would end up in a bad way.
And look where she ended up at 33.
Bunch of idiots we were!
Kept on feeding her pills to calm her down instead of letting her fly.
Then one day she flew straight into the river.
What a way of giving us all the finger.
Mari, that was accident.
No, it was no accident, Gi. No accident.
And now I realize all the mistakes I made with my baby sister...
...I repeated them with my son. - No, no, no.
- It was all my fault, Gi. - No, no, no, no.
The only thing is your fault, you make me happy man.
Take care, Yolanda.
Let's go home? Come on.
Yes, I apologize, but... I know your client is in the U. K...
...but you didn't say "Glasgow," you insisted on New Glasgow.
That's north of Montreal. So I chartered a bus.
I say New Glasgow. You misunderstood.
I don't mean to be confrontational, but there is no New Glasgow in Scotland.
Well, no, they don't need a new one, they have the old one.
It's actually quite simple. You see, many years ago...
...people from Glasgow, Glasconians, left the old Glasgow...
...and they came here. And they built a new Glasgow.
And they called it New Glasgow because it was new.
According to theoretical physics, eventually we'll be able to fold space...
...so that the new Glasgow will overlap the old Glasgow...
...enabling us to travel between the two without moving in time or space.
But until then, let me assure you that they are quite different places.
Did I mention that New Glasgow just got waterslides? Those are fun.
- everybody. I'm taking you to court. Understand? You there? Hey!
What are you all dressed up for? You're not going anywhere.
Listen, Johnny, I really wanna work in TV. Any job would do.
Fuck, I can't hire you to clean the fucking toilets around here.
I had to lay off about a million people yesterday.
Things are bad, Angelo.
Between you and me? My last series didn't fly.
I could be on the street soon. Imagine, a fucking bag man!
What about you?
- You gave up writing? - Yeah.
That's too bad.
But listen, if you ever come up with an idea for a series, give me a call.
So long as it's not about the Civil War.
Write about stuff you know. You're young. Write about young people.
You know, good-Iooking, bikinis, tans, abs, boobs, everything!
That's what the networks want. Young.
- How's your mother? - Good.
Good.
Disgraziata! That woman's a disgraziata!
- What now? - Listen to this, Gino.
"La Signora Lina Paventi wants to invite you...
...to the wedding of her son, Nino." Do I need to go on?
Nino getting married?
To Pina, la puttana.
And look at this: She even includes a handwritten note.
"Dear Maria and Gino, I'm sorry for what happened.
Please see this invite as a peace offering.
I pray San Giuseppe you can make it. Love, Lina."
What's wrong with that?
You gotta read between the lines.
What this really says is, "Dear Maria and Gino.
I'm sorry your son is still an omosessuale.
Please see this invite as proof that mine is not.
I pray San Giuseppe you can make it so you can watch me gloat.
Love, Lina."
Disgraziata! Let me tear up the invitation!
No! No! No!
I'm gonna send it back.
R.S.V.P., " Vaffanculo! Love, Maria and Gino!" And we're not sending a gift.
- No gift. - Ma sei matto?
We gotta get them a gift. Lina will think we're cheap.
Nobody think I'm cheap.
We make a check for $200 and then we don't show up!
We can't not show up.
She's gonna tell everyone that we're jealous.
Jealous? Jealous of what?
We go!
But I don't buy a new suit.
You wanna look like a bum?
We go shopping tomorrow!
The best suit, the most beautiful dress and the biggest gift.
- That'll show her. - Yeah! We'll go.
But we'll have a lousy time.
We look our watch all night and we yawn.
We can't have a lousy time. Then she's gonna think we're bitter.
We dance until dawn. That'll spite her!
We can't dance until dawn.
Then she's gonna think we're putting up a good front!
We...
Maria, this make me tired.
Are you sure about this, Pina?
Sure. With cannelloni, you can never go wrong.
No, you and Nino. Marrying a bisexual.
I am not marrying a bisexual. Jesus-fucking-Christ.
Why didn't I keep my mouth shut?
I'm marrying Nino. He was in love with Angelo, now he's in love with me.
- Okay. - And you know what that means?
It means that I am sexy enough to convert him.
Me, I can convert anybody.
Give me an hour in the Village and there's not gonna be one.
Capito? So can we change the subject?
Sure. But if he ever ask you to strap on a dildo...
- Stop it! ...call me, I have quite the collection.
Stop it!
- I have an announcement to make. - What now?
- I'm quitting my job to become a writer. - A writer?
- Cool! - Who's gonna read what you write?
- That should be a hobby. - Where's the security?
- Where's the pension plan? - Don't listen to them. Ignore them.
Look, this is what I wanna do with my life.
And you know what? I'm gonna be a big success.
Did we ever do what we wanted to in our life?
- Never. - Does anybody hate his job...
...like I hate my job? - No one!
Yet you see me go to work every day, and look me now!
- And what do you got? - Security.
And a pension plan.
Gino. Maria. What are you two doing here?
We live here. Come sta, Lina?
Bene. I got your R.S.V.P.
I can't tell you how happy I am you're going to come to the wedding.
Oh, Maria. Wait till you see Pina's wedding dress.
The first time she put it on, I cried like a baby.
She looks just like the Madonna.
I'm sure the Madonna's real happy.
Let me just take a minute to tell you...
...how sorry I am about what happened at your house that night.
- Nothing to be sorry about. - The way Angelo spoke to you...
...it was disgusting. - He was upset.
Yeah, he was upset.
Now he's alone like a dog, and that's what he deserves.
- Who says he's alone like a dog? - Who says?
Why? Are you talking to him? I just assumed...
- Always a mistake to assume. - Big mistake to assume.
- He's moved back in? - Why would he wanna do that?
- He's an adult. - Adults should live on their own!
Well, whatever you say. I just hope he finds himself a nice Italian girl.
He won't find himself a nice Italian girl. He's gay!
Nobody is gayer than my son!
- Yes. And he's got a new boyfriend. - A gorgeous man!
Loves Angelo to death!
I should love my wife the way he love Angelo!
I never gave you back my set of keys.
I know I should have called, but it was a spur-of-the-moment thing.
- Okay, I'm gonna... - You don't have to leave right away.
How you been, Angelo?
- How do you think? - Hey, listen. What happened...
...it's for the best. - It was?
Listen, this marriage thing, it's really cool.
Nino, what are you talking about?
I'm just saying, you might want to give it a try.
- I know you're seeing a new guy... - A new guy?
Yeah. Your mom told my mom the other day.
She said that your parents acted as though being gay was normal.
My mother said that I was seeing a man?
Yeah.
Nino, is this why you came here? To check up on me?
I just wanna make sure you're okay.
I'm okay.
I never meant to hurt you.
- Did you ever love me? - Come on, Angelo. That's not fair.
Did you?
We had a thing together and it was fun. But it's over.
Everything's gonna be okay.
Tell me you're gonna be okay.
Are you gonna be okay?
It's all my parents' fault.
What am I saying? It's not my parents' fault. It's mine.
I did this to myself.
I single-handedly fucked up every aspect of my life. I guess it's a talent.
You're not thinking very highly of yourself, are you?
No.
They told Nino's mother I had a new boyfriend.
- How does that make you feel? - I don't know.
I'd like to call them, but I wouldn't know what to say.
That's understandable. What are you feeling right now?
I'm sorry. I can't. This is stupid.
Fine! I should chop my head off before I try to help you again.
- Oh, no. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - Lf you took me seriously...
...I could really help you. - All right, all right. Let's continue.
- Trust that I know what I'm doing. - I trust. I trust.
Okay.
Okay. Now I'm ready.
If you had Ma and Pa in front of you, what would you tell them?
- I don't know. - Think about it.
- I am. - Think about it more.
- I am. - You're not thinking hard enough!
Who are you to tell me I'm not thinking about it hard enough?
Forget it! You think you can figure this out by yourself? Go ahead!
You figure!
I would tell them that the last thing I wanted to do...
...was to hurt them.
Go on.
I told them I was gay because I wanted them to know...
I told them because I didn't want them to die...
...without knowing who I really am.
They deserve to know who their son is.
Not an illusion or a delusion of who I am, but who I am for real.
I did it all wrong, but...
Damn, I'm good!
Perdonami, Padre, for I have sinned.
Is anyone in there?
Yes?
Twice I have taken the name of the Lord in vain.
- Ma, it's me. - Angelo!
Are you crazy? What are you doing there?
- We have to talk, Ma. - At confession?
- Forgive me, Mother, for I have sinned. - Shut up.
I called you and your life worthless. For that I am truly sorry.
- Oh, yeah? Why now? - What do you mean, "Why now?"
Why did you wait all this time to be sorry?
Do you have any idea of the pain you've put me through?
- Cut him some slack. - Who's that?
- The Holy Spirit, Ma. - Anna, where are you?
Here, Ma. In the next booth.
What did you do to Father?
- We bribed him. - With wine and a carton of cigarettes.
Mari, why are you taking you so long?
Will you get out? I'm trying to confess myself.
Padre, she no let me touch her anymore. Isn't that a mortal sin?
Will you stop? Angelo's in there.
- Our Angelo? - How are you, Pa?
Angelo! You become a priest?
Worse. He bribed Father Carmignani.
A bottle of wine and cigarettes. Can you believe that?
No. He usually settle for a bottle of wine.
- You got screwed, Angelo. - You guys bribed him already?
- Who's that? - Your daughter.
Anna, have you seen my Forza Italia hat?
- Your mother lost it on me again. - Would you please!
Our son is trying to apologize to us.
You know, guys, I realize that what I said to you was awful...
...but what you did, trying to set me up with Pina, that was low.
- I told her was a stupid idea. - Shut up.
I know we're not the perfect parents, but we did do some things right.
- Yeah, some things. - And we are not worthless! Hai capito?
- Hey, I apologized for that already. - Let me tell you, you haven't finished.
- What about the apology you owe me? - Come to supper tonight...
...if you're willing to step back in that prison.
- I'm sorry about that too. - All right.
- How we gonna get out of here? - Anyone sees us together, they'll talk.
Probably already talking about your fag son, right?
Please, they've been talking since my sister died.
All right. I say we all go out at one time.
With our heads high up in the sky.
With all of Little Italy as our witness.
All right. One, two and a three.
Do we need to pass by the grocery store?
- We're out of cheese. - I'll get some cigarettes.
Angelo. Angelo. Angelo.
What is it, Papa?
Hey, boss, thanks a lot for giving me back my famiglia.
Come on. Come on.
- Gino, what if she can read lips? - Then there is a God.
Today is a very special day.
I have known the groom, Nino, all his life.
I baptize him...
...I gave him his First Communion...
...and when he hit puberty...
...and was having certain problems due to his...
How do you say...? Sudden growth.
I'm the one who suggested he get circumcised.
If anyone here sees any just cause why these two should not be married...
...speak now or forever hold your peace.
Where do I start?
Nino Paventi...
I know this is difficult, but I'm here for you.
I was wondering if your offer was still valid.
- Absolutely. - Good.
Hello? Gay Line? Hello?
My life has become even more of a nightmare.
My brother wrote this TV show based on our family.
I'm portrayed as this pathetic, pill-popping, woman-child...
...stuck in a vicious circle of self-pity.
One more argument about why Angelo left and I'm leaving the table.
No one is leaving until supper is done.
Who are you to tell her when she can leave this table?
- Yeah, who are you? - Hey, he's your father, that's who!
Where she learn to talk back, I don't know.
- She learn from you! - From me?
- Yeah, from you! - This is really, really good, Mama.
What inspired you to write this show about the Italian community?
I don't know, the Greek community?
He can't ******* help himself.
I'm telling you, this mother****** is a ******* genius.
It's safe to say that my family inspired me.
When I was little, I had this Aunt Yolanda.
She was the coolest of my relatives.
She wanted to be different. She tried to teach everyone...
...how to do the mambo, but they were stuck doing the tarantella.
I wish she were here.
This is a tribute to her and to my family.
This little mother****** gets me every time.
- A tribute to his family. - Please, like we need a tribute.
My brother is so delusional.
Being gay and Italian, I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.
I mean, the hatred. You know, the prejudice.
I think living in denial is an Italian tradition.
- Oh, my God! - She's gonna make a lousy mother.
God, why am I such a bitch? They're happy, so what?
Why should that affect me in any way?
Just because I don't have a wonderful husband like Nino.
Nino the heroic cop.
Nino the perfect son and husband. Nino...
...the perfect camping buddy.
I'm afraid our time is up. See you next week?
Oh, no. Don't take it personal, I never see the same psychiatrist twice.
I know. We saw each other already.
We did!
- I can't believe I didn't recognize you. - So next Tuesday night. Is that okay?
Okay, next Tuesday night.
But it'll be the last time you see my face.
What is this world coming to?
At least Angelo could have had the decency...
...of finding himself a nice Italian boy!
I always told him, "You ever stop writing...
...I'm gonna come to your house and kick your ******* ass.
Don't give up." He's a genius.
He said that. I stopped once and he did.
- I kicked your ass a bit. It wasn't bad. - Just a little whup.
I threatened to throw him out the ******* window, but it was a joke.
That was just a little tease. I'm used to it.